Moonlight (from my dear friend Steve)

Sometime, when i awake at night
I feel the still of the bright moonlight
My heart is heavy, my soul so pained
But the light from the moon doesn't ease the strain.

The morning appears and the stress fades so
It's time again to face this show
To add my smile at the break of day
When the one i love is so far away.

I text, i call and love we share
The void we feel is in the air
We dream, we talk but all the while
We know our hearts can't sustain the smile
That spreads across our face all day
Because our love so deep to stay

Now it's nighttime yet again
The moon awaits to be my friend
So pretty, so round and so bright too
Then, why does it make me blue?

Message Buddy

Good morning, sunshine
a smily face to show I care😊
almost smell coffee in your pot
wish you were here in my bed

I dont care wearing high heels
as long as my buddy's feet are protected by steels
with a sticker of wisdom
so much warmth it feels

Days go by without you by my side
My message buddy, when can I see your bright eyes?
your words are like melody
flowing into my heart, it has nowhere to hide...

Sweet Lover

Sweet lover,
melody in your heart,
not too soft,
not too hard,
firm and tender,
free to experience,
deep in the dark.

Can you open your arms,
embrace the unknown lust?
breathe in the air from thy kiss,
let down all your guards.

Should I not see the future,
had I not lived in the past,
for whatever made us be,
you are the one of my eternal love...

Where Are You, My Love?

Where are you, my love?
Caught in the rain, aching in the heart,
How could my weak body,
Ever survive your violent flood?

Where are you, my love?
Deep in the woods, echoing to the star,
How could my drifted soul,
Ever hang on to your relentless bark?

Where are you, my love?
Yesterday's ink, tomorrow's mark,
How could my empy hands,
Ever reveal your hidden scar?

Where are you, my love?
Deaf to the alarm, drinking through dark,
How could my cracked mouth,
Ever taste your bittersweet blood?

RE: husbands

I suppose all wise people know that there are no perfect people, no perfect marriages, or for women per se, no perfect husbands. I figured that a near perfect husband would make a happy wife, while a not-so-perfect husband can make a smart and mature wife, not necessarily a sad one. By learning to deal with imperfect situations or people, we perfected ourselves and grew stronger.

So far I have learned to do the following:

1. Enjoy being lonely when my husband is watching youtube or playing games over the internet.

2. Enjoy playing with the kids or finding ways to make them do homework more willingly when my husband is watching youtube or playing games over the internet.

3. Enjoy watching endless TV drama over youtube and predict successfully the fates of all roles while my husband is playing his weekly basketball game.

4. Enjoy swimming laps for 1000+ meters at least 3 times a week and seeing my own figure getting fitter and fitter that it can fit into some clothes I could only have dreamed before, while my husband is bathing in the hot tub nearby.

5. Learned to keep silent and think about irrelevant things to distract myself while my husband yelled at me to "shut up" for no good reasons.

6. Enjoy more quality time with my kids and myself, who cares what he does...

7. Enjoy the feelings that I no longer care about money that much. I have enough and the more money, the more burdens. I enjoy seeing clearly about many things now. Finally I understand this traditional Chinese wisdom: 不以物喜，不以己悲 (my attempted translation is: do not feel too happy about any material gains, nor too sad about your own losses/miseries).

8. I believe there are reasons for everything that had happened, is happening, and will happen. I embrace future fully, and treasure memories that deserve my affections. I am peaceful and calm, but still allow a little indulgence from time to time so that I can still hope...HOPE...everything is possible, if we are sincere enough.

缘份

缘份，一个被说得太多的词。到底什么是缘份，已经不再重要，关键是说这个词的时候是什么样的心情，什么样的状况。记得当年在武汉拜访男友的父母时狂热地爱上了刘德华的＜来生缘＞：情深缘浅不得已，你我也知道去珍惜，只好等在来生里再踏上彼此故事的开始。冥冥中有一些暗示，还是不祥？总之有一天因为自己犯的一个无法原谅的错误，歌词变成了现实。缘分变成了无奈。

仍然记得九三年的最后一夜，你对我说：来世还要和我好，因为你不相信我们一定不能在一起。 我回答说：来世最好直接和你现在的女友好，省得大家都痛苦。

你们终于走在了一起，现在也有了可爱的孩子，你还这么想么？我不要知道答案，只要记住你说的话就好了。我相信心灵感应。虽然和你有意无意地失去了联系，我想有一种缘份会在空气中弥漫，被你深深地吸入怀中，从此扎下根来。现实生活大同小异，但我们永远有无尽的精神自由，谁也占有不了，谁也左右不了。

一个人失去所有身边的一切都不能算孤独。孤独的人是没有自我的人。

An Intimate Feeling, for a Remote Person

Can you really forget your own feelings? I once thought it was not possible unless you lost your memory as a medical condition. Gradually I realized that you CAN forget your own feelings, but only happy ones. Happy feelings do escape from you rather quickly, while sad/unfulfilled/disappointing feelings stay with you forever. Sometimes, joyful feelings did come back to your dreams, but once you woke up, more sad/unfulfilled/disappointing feelings would overwhelm you and made you wish that you had never had that dream.

Can feelings travel? Can that intimate/breathtaking feelings be felt by someone remotely, someone you cared dearly in your heart and soul? Does it matter? When love becomes history, feelings exist without any meanings. If my wish could fly, may it fly high and far to protect you from all harms and to make your happy feelings stay longer...even without me by your side.

Life vs. Dreams

Often heard of the saying "Life is like a dream" (人生如梦), you can hardly hold on to anything real. I think just the opposite: "Dreams are like your life". What you experienced in your real life would be reflected in your dreams as a distorted version, like a low budget drama/horror/comedy flick. Not a single night I could "rest in peace" because unsettled thoughts from the present would be mixed up with unforgettable or regretful memories from the past in a bizarre way that is beyond any logic yet seems perfectly believable in my dreams.

I never feel happy or somewhat satisfied when waking up from almost any dream. Sometimes I would feel relieved because I don't have to re-do my college entry exam or catch up with tons of homework that made me rather frustrated in my dreams; other times I would feel quite unfortunate that throughout my dreams I was trying to go on a vacation (catch a plane/train or a cruise ship) but either I could never reach my destination or the plane/train/ship never departed. All kinds of hurdles that appeared so real would haunt me down. There were occasions that I was already on a ship or train while the dream started, however, the trip would be quite bumpy: a storm in the sea (probably got it from the movie "The Perfect Storm") or a very dirty and crowded hallway in the train that made it impossible for me to go near the dinning section (memories from China).

There was one kind of dreams that I am especially fond of, which made me somewhat feel powerful beyond natural forces. For a few dreams, I was able to fly anywhere with my arms and the feeling was quite real. Though I could not control the landing very well in a couple of occasions (which woke me up with a very heavy heart), the overall experiences were still quite fascinating. I was also able to swim in a couple of dreams too and the swimming I did in those dreams were not the human one - it felt like a fish! How could you explain this type of feelings that I never experienced for real? Probably the evolution theory is not a complete illusion: birds, fishes, and we human beings did originate from the same life form many many years ago. But why can't I have more dreams like these?

做你的爱人

"The one that I loved the most in my life
Can I love you one more time?
Allow me to learn to be your lover..."

Part of a song that I heard for the first time yesterday, yet it touched me so much I had to write something in this special day...

I have ceased contact to that special someone, yet I've still dreamed of him from time to time. In my dreams, every encounter is sweet and sad at the same time. I cannot get too much beyond reality even in the dreams, how pathetic is that?

Growing-up means that I can finally learn to bury my feelings into my own heart, not even allowing myself to touch it most of the time because, every time I tried to revive it, my heart would be torn into pieces once again...

雪中吟

细雪纷飞，
划破浊雾成灰。
枯枝腐叶，
悄然银装点缀。
我心悠悠，
闲情四周徘徊。
异乡小酌，
往事纠结肠胃。

无怨悔，莫回味。
忆中身影，模糊亦破碎。
再见繁星满天，
伊人已憔悴。

轻叹也枉然，
人海茫茫，
谁在乎我一滴清泪？

English Translation:

Snowflakes fly,
cut through the murky fog,
ashes falling from the sky.
Bare branches and rotten leaves,
sudden decoration by a silver line.

My heart flows,
dissipated mood abound.
Drunk in a foreign country,
tangled in the stomach,
all the memories that never die.

No regret, no rewind,
shadows in the mind,
broken and tired.
When will I ever see the sky full of stars?
When the beauty turns into rag.

Useless is thy sigh,
endless crowds,
who cares for one drop of tears from my eyes?

About Tragedy

I do not know why Chinese play writers are so fond of tragic endings? It has become a plague. The worst of all, the person who eventually perished is always the more charming one. Can't we think of anything better than making them die? After all the hardship that two loved souls had been through (BTW, most of them were under bizarre circumstances that any person with half of a brain would be able to overcome easily, except our poor leading roles), one of them would still bid farewell to this world, wait, I did not say “bid farewell to his loved one”, did I make a mistake? No, he would not have time! How cruel is that? The play writer enjoyed torturing us poor audience, from the beginning all the way to the end. We got no break!

I am not against tragedy, however, a good one will not only make people sad, but also feel much more beyond that. When a tragedy is imminent and inevitable, the audience will accept it. What is not acceptable is a “designed” one that the play writer made it happen because of his/her own twisted mind. Sigh...life is already either too heavy or too ordinary for most people, we should not be punished again by something that is supposed to be entertaining. Or have I become too vulnerable?

A Halo's Dedication

You,
our oriental Romeo,
our courageous hero,
give us strength,
and give us hope.
It's the role you played,
and the spirit you showed.

When did the love begin?
We don't really know.
Whether it's love at first sight,
or after the first episode?
It's planted deeply in our heart,
and sprouted into our soul.
We smile with your joy,
and sigh with your sorrow.
You pumped water in the desert,
and turned stone into gold.

So a story was told,
it made our heart beat faster,
and blood run cold:

What started as armed hatred,
melted by lovers' tender kisses;
What started as faithful promises,
twisted by fate's untimely teases...

When the curtain finally drew,
the mouth of wisdom spoke:
It's all about making the wrong turn,
at life's crossroads.

So united our love forms,
a halo that forever glows.
It shines above your head,
lights the way you should go.
Our feelings merge into a river,
never stops flowing,
never grows old.
It flows towards our idol,
it flows towards you.
Along comes Musketeers' vow:
"All for One, One for All"

-Witten at the turning night point of year 2007-2008
- For 李桓和所有的光桓们

Personal Review: Legend of Xiangxi (2)

Legend of Xiangxi finished with a big exclamation mark. All significant men roles died at the end and all died of fighting with the JAPs. Sannu’s death was the most heroic one because he died of protecting his loved one (using his own body as the bullet shield) from being shot by a Japanese officer. It appears that for most Chinese screenwriters/directors, when a story reached a point that all conflicts cannot be easily resolved in a smooth way, then one or both parties of the conflicting sides should either die or lose their minds completely (or became a nun/monk, etc). The difference for this story is that it got a good excuse for doing so because it was set in a war background so that death is sort of inevitable in a way.

I am kind of speechless at this moment. I still like this show, otherwise it would not have attracted me to stay so late every night knowing that the aftermath would be to go to work yawning with red eyes for over a week; however, my affection to this show is much more focused on my personal passion for the leading male role: Sannu. He has very consistent personalities throughout the show. His faithfulness and dedication to the loved one made him risk his life so many times (and eventually lost it) regardless how “badly” his former lover treated him during the second half of the show. When there was only one thing left for me to enjoy the show, I do not know whether or not I can still say that this is a great TV series.

There may be a few things that can be improved to make this show logically and emotionally sound:

1. A common mistake for Chinese movies/TV plays, as a way of making the story with more dramatic turns, is to have “bad” people almost always outsmart the “good” ones. When it is time for the “good” ones to realize the truth behind the disguise, it is usually too late because damages have already been done. In other words, there are shockingly lack of good surprises. As the result of this, audiences would be left with unbearable pain.

2. Suisui should not have married Suo Yunchao though the marriage itself was interrupted by Suo’s untimely death (or shall we say just the opposite). I think deep inside, Suisui knew how desperately Sannu was still in love with her and by marrying someone else, he would be hurt hardly and it would make the already very tensed relationship between Pai Bang and Suo’s army even worse. She should have treated Suo as her big brother and try to persuade Sannu to give up his hatred for any fellow Chinese but to join the Japanese-fighting unions. Making Suisui first marry Suo and then widowed, right before she lost another two men who loved her dearly, seem to make the story too unbelievable and not only for Suisui, nobody would be able to imagine what is the best way to swirl the emotional gear.

3. The war scenes need to be improved. It does not have to be very grand, but each detail is important. Comparing with American movies/TV series that have war episodes, the war scenes in Legend of Xiangxi were far too primitive and much less convincing.

4. Though I cannot think of a better ending, the show could be extended a few minutes just to give audiences a flashback of the touching and sad love story between Sannu and Suisui (it could include other types of flashbacks for other people). It could happen while Suisui was carrying Sannu’s body down the mountains. Lots of people have watched the movie Titanic, though the leading male role, also the leading female role’s true love interest while aboard Titanic, died close to the end, the movie did not stop there. It ended with a dream scene where Rose went back to Titanic and saw all those people that died in that tragedy including Jack. It gave an otherwise sad story a perfect ending - an ending with hope and satisfaction.

How to act without acting?

After coming to America over 15 years ago, I watched tons of movies, TV plays, and sitcoms. On the sideline, I kept watching Chinese movies and TV series. The big difference I see is that American actors, either famous or unknown, acted more in a natural way so that we, as audiences, did not really feel that they were acting. On the other hand, the fellow Chinese actors, except a few well-known ones, the majority of normal actors just “acted” too much and made me feel either uncomfortable or nervous in a way that I could feel their frustration or pressure for trying to make their roles work.
It might relate to the fundamental cultural differences since American people appear to be more open-minded and care-free while we oriental people are more subtle and good at conceiving but not expressing.

Over the years, we have seen so many big-budget movies with all-star cast and captivating camera work, and most of them have very strong story lines as well. However, the effect is not very satisfying, one reason may attribute to the irrelevance of the content to real people’s lives when a movie tells a completely fabricated story from ancient time. For those movies, we audiences are at the mercy of the screenwriter and director because they can do pretty much whatever they want. Leaving alone those big screen movies, there were quite some TV series produced over the years that did tell stories of ordinary people’s lives. For those TV shows, acting skills would become really important.

Another interesting observation is that in a typical American TV or movie production, regardless of the importance of a role, big or small, actors would dedicate 100% and you don't feel that a story is broken into pieces because of inconsistent acting. But this is usually not the case for our fellow Chinese actors. We could easily spot a couple of non-professional actors who made us guess that they might be picked for a price, say, relatives of a sponsor.

Personal Review: Legend of Xiangxi

Comparing with many other made-in-China movies and TV series, Legend of Xiangxi is one of the best I have seen in many years. A drama with a strong story line set in a historical background. Not only leading roles made their marks in this show, many other "insignificant" actors also delivered their best performance. The story was told in a coherent way with little waste of time. The camera was captivating and the music was beautiful. The script was appropriate and clear.

Although it was very good for what it was trying to convey, it was nothing beyond. Some details were sacrificed for better effect. For example, when Suisui went to see Sannu while he was on a hunger strike, Sannu should have been starved for 7-8 days, not to mention that a normal person would have died by that time, at the very least, he should be semi-unconscious; however, Sannu only showed a little bit of weakness not enough to tear him apart during those tortures. It would be more believable if he had only been starved for 3 days or so. I know that the effect of 3 days versus 7 days is different, but if the director and screen writer cannot work miracles here, we audience will have to believe in one. Another regret of this story is that the tragedy from last generation had to be repeated in order to separate two lovers whose love had endured their own test of life and death. Can't we think of something else? On the other hand, the death of Tian Dayou, though meant to be heroic, was underlined with a pathetic nature. He could have died out of a good fight with the true enemies, or maybe, more dramatized, out of saving Sannu's life (while fighting with the true enemies) for his daughter's sake so that the inevitable hatred from last generation would become the ultimate gratefulness in this one.

This show was constantly testing the audience's limit. I anticipated bad things to come almost non-stop, and soon reached a point that I could no longer enjoy those very few love (and supposedly happy) scenes. I was deeply touched by the first couple of episodes when Sannu fell in love with Suisui at first sight and insisted in knowing her name. Those scenes were straight to the point with no string attached, very neat and natural. However, later on, when things got complicated, I did not quite sense the strong chemistry between those two love birds. They had little time to strengthen their love (or maybe the director did not give them enough time) but to jump into yet another mess and face a even stronger obstacle. When the time finally came that they could marry each other, almost everybody knows that it would be the end of their love story. There was one big failure in an otherwise touching scene when Suisui offered Sannu her hand to jump into arrays of knives together. Maybe both actors are too young and inexperienced to show emotions at a deeper level. They looked at each other, no desperate hugging, no tear-dropping kisses, the only thing I saw were two somewhat sad faces that could mean many things but not love at the final moments. At that time, they should be care-free and do whatever they wanted. At the bottom line, they did not make me believe that they really knew what they were getting into or they were about to die. I saw two people "act", that was about it. Another thing that could have been done to signify this scene is to use different daring angles of camera shots; however, before they started jumping, there was only one shot from the front with our main figures standing atop a table not revealing any significant feelings, or I could not tell any, simply because they stood too far away to be observed clearly.

I remember when I watched the TV Series 人间四月天 (April Sky on Earth?), I did not like most of it, but I was very much moved by one scene when Xu Zhimo went to see Lin Huiyin outside her home after they both went back to China. They looked at each other, knowing their love would have no result, yet the magnetic feelings were still so strong between them. The whole scene lasted several minutes without a single word, but I could feel tons of "words" from their facial expressions. My own emotions went along with theirs and I was completely overwhelmed by their grave mutual attractions entangled with common morality and unbearable hopelessness.

To be continued...