缘份

缘份，一个被说得太多的词。到底什么是缘份，已经不再重要，关键是说这个词的时候是什么样的心情，什么样的状况。记得当年在武汉拜访男友的父母时狂热地爱上了刘德华的＜来生缘＞：情深缘浅不得已，你我也知道去珍惜，只好等在来生里再踏上彼此故事的开始。冥冥中有一些暗示，还是不祥？总之有一天因为自己犯的一个无法原谅的错误，歌词变成了现实。缘分变成了无奈。

仍然记得九三年的最后一夜，你对我说：来世还要和我好，因为你不相信我们一定不能在一起。 我回答说：来世最好直接和你现在的女友好，省得大家都痛苦。

你们终于走在了一起，现在也有了可爱的孩子，你还这么想么？我不要知道答案，只要记住你说的话就好了。我相信心灵感应。虽然和你有意无意地失去了联系，我想有一种缘份会在空气中弥漫，被你深深地吸入怀中，从此扎下根来。现实生活大同小异，但我们永远有无尽的精神自由，谁也占有不了，谁也左右不了。

一个人失去所有身边的一切都不能算孤独。孤独的人是没有自我的人。

An Intimate Feeling, for a Remote Person

Can you really forget your own feelings? I once thought it was not possible unless you lost your memory as a medical condition. Gradually I realized that you CAN forget your own feelings, but only happy ones. Happy feelings do escape from you rather quickly, while sad/unfulfilled/disappointing feelings stay with you forever. Sometimes, joyful feelings did come back to your dreams, but once you woke up, more sad/unfulfilled/disappointing feelings would overwhelm you and made you wish that you had never had that dream.

Can feelings travel? Can that intimate/breathtaking feelings be felt by someone remotely, someone you cared dearly in your heart and soul? Does it matter? When love becomes history, feelings exist without any meanings. If my wish could fly, may it fly high and far to protect you from all harms and to make your happy feelings stay longer...even without me by your side.

Life vs. Dreams

Often heard of the saying "Life is like a dream" (人生如梦), you can hardly hold on to anything real. I think just the opposite: "Dreams are like your life". What you experienced in your real life would be reflected in your dreams as a distorted version, like a low budget drama/horror/comedy flick. Not a single night I could "rest in peace" because unsettled thoughts from the present would be mixed up with unforgettable or regretful memories from the past in a bizarre way that is beyond any logic yet seems perfectly believable in my dreams.

I never feel happy or somewhat satisfied when waking up from almost any dream. Sometimes I would feel relieved because I don't have to re-do my college entry exam or catch up with tons of homework that made me rather frustrated in my dreams; other times I would feel quite unfortunate that throughout my dreams I was trying to go on a vacation (catch a plane/train or a cruise ship) but either I could never reach my destination or the plane/train/ship never departed. All kinds of hurdles that appeared so real would haunt me down. There were occasions that I was already on a ship or train while the dream started, however, the trip would be quite bumpy: a storm in the sea (probably got it from the movie "The Perfect Storm") or a very dirty and crowded hallway in the train that made it impossible for me to go near the dinning section (memories from China).

There was one kind of dreams that I am especially fond of, which made me somewhat feel powerful beyond natural forces. For a few dreams, I was able to fly anywhere with my arms and the feeling was quite real. Though I could not control the landing very well in a couple of occasions (which woke me up with a very heavy heart), the overall experiences were still quite fascinating. I was also able to swim in a couple of dreams too and the swimming I did in those dreams were not the human one - it felt like a fish! How could you explain this type of feelings that I never experienced for real? Probably the evolution theory is not a complete illusion: birds, fishes, and we human beings did originate from the same life form many many years ago. But why can't I have more dreams like these?

做你的爱人

"The one that I loved the most in my life
Can I love you one more time?
Allow me to learn to be your lover..."

Part of a song that I heard for the first time yesterday, yet it touched me so much I had to write something in this special day...

I have ceased contact to that special someone, yet I've still dreamed of him from time to time. In my dreams, every encounter is sweet and sad at the same time. I cannot get too much beyond reality even in the dreams, how pathetic is that?

Growing-up means that I can finally learn to bury my feelings into my own heart, not even allowing myself to touch it most of the time because, every time I tried to revive it, my heart would be torn into pieces once again...

雪中吟

细雪纷飞，
划破浊雾成灰。
枯枝腐叶，
悄然银装点缀。
我心悠悠，
闲情四周徘徊。
异乡小酌，
往事纠结肠胃。

无怨悔，莫回味。
忆中身影，模糊亦破碎。
再见繁星满天，
伊人已憔悴。

轻叹也枉然，
人海茫茫，
谁在乎我一滴清泪？

English Translation:

Snowflakes fly,
cut through the murky fog,
ashes falling from the sky.
Bare branches and rotten leaves,
sudden decoration by a silver line.

My heart flows,
dissipated mood abound.
Drunk in a foreign country,
tangled in the stomach,
all the memories that never die.

No regret, no rewind,
shadows in the mind,
broken and tired.
When will I ever see the sky full of stars?
When the beauty turns into rag.

Useless is thy sigh,
endless crowds,
who cares for one drop of tears from my eyes?

About Tragedy

I do not know why Chinese play writers are so fond of tragic endings? It has become a plague. The worst of all, the person who eventually perished is always the more charming one. Can't we think of anything better than making them die? After all the hardship that two loved souls had been through (BTW, most of them were under bizarre circumstances that any person with half of a brain would be able to overcome easily, except our poor leading roles), one of them would still bid farewell to this world, wait, I did not say “bid farewell to his loved one”, did I make a mistake? No, he would not have time! How cruel is that? The play writer enjoyed torturing us poor audience, from the beginning all the way to the end. We got no break!

I am not against tragedy, however, a good one will not only make people sad, but also feel much more beyond that. When a tragedy is imminent and inevitable, the audience will accept it. What is not acceptable is a “designed” one that the play writer made it happen because of his/her own twisted mind. Sigh...life is already either too heavy or too ordinary for most people, we should not be punished again by something that is supposed to be entertaining. Or have I become too vulnerable?

A Halo's Dedication

You,
our oriental Romeo,
our courageous hero,
give us strength,
and give us hope.
It's the role you played,
and the spirit you showed.

When did the love begin?
We don't really know.
Whether it's love at first sight,
or after the first episode?
It's planted deeply in our heart,
and sprouted into our soul.
We smile with your joy,
and sigh with your sorrow.
You pumped water in the desert,
and turned stone into gold.

So a story was told,
it made our heart beat faster,
and blood run cold:

What started as armed hatred,
melted by lovers' tender kisses;
What started as faithful promises,
twisted by fate's untimely teases...

When the curtain finally drew,
the mouth of wisdom spoke:
It's all about making the wrong turn,
at life's crossroads.

So united our love forms,
a halo that forever glows.
It shines above your head,
lights the way you should go.
Our feelings merge into a river,
never stops flowing,
never grows old.
It flows towards our idol,
it flows towards you.
Along comes Musketeers' vow:
"All for One, One for All"

-Witten at the turning night point of year 2007-2008
- For 李桓和所有的光桓们